I’m still here. Just been stuck.

Posted on April 2nd, 2017

Hi, everyone! I am still here. I’ve just been sorting through some personal stuff–and dealing with my worst, most persistent problem when it comes to getting things done. That problem is thinking way too much about everything that could go wrong or already is and what if it’s hopeless/unfixable and everyone just laughs at me and getting so overwhelmed by it all that I’m paralyzed with fear.

I do have a game in progress. I got it to the point of having a complete (and fairly complicated) engine programmed in Game Maker plus all the player sprites and the basics of some playable levels. The problem is the more I learned, the more obvious it was that the earlier code I wrote is a godawful mess, and every fix I built on that just added to the mess. If I’d known what I was doing (or even that most of the stuff I learned along the way was possible) and sorted it all out in advance, I would have a much easier time making modifications or even just remembering where I left the function that does whatever thing. That’s bothering me a lot. But there’s just so MUCH of it it’s hard to think of tearing it down and starting over, even though I know that’s what I really want to do.

I also got caught up in “Did I really make the right choice?” Game maker will work well for this and probably for just about anything else I want to do… but I keep worrying that I’m wasting my time and should’ve gone with Unity even though it’s somewhat harder to work with and I don’t like the interface. So, being me, that weird little fear has done a lot to keep me from working.

Another thing I worry about might be more justified: What if there’s more to this game–something important–that I’ve overlooked? What if I can add something to its fundamentals that would make it better? And perhaps less justified (or at least more paranoid), what if I should be doing something else entirely? What if I just have no business making this kind of game and it’s doomed to be awful? But that’s all part and parcel with my being terrified I really have no talent and my work won’t ever, ever be good enough by some unknown standard I’m not even sure is mine. Which leads back back to fearing failure so much I can’t even get started again.

I know how ridiculous all this sounds and I’m working on it. Writing it out seems to help, and who knows? Maybe someone having similar problems will read it and know they’re not alone. In the meantime, though, I’ve got character sprites and written code (at least some of which I can reuse), a script for the game, and new plans-in-progress for some gameplay tweaks. I’m also sorting out my coding needs in advance this time, which is a lot easier when you sort of know what you CAN do. And maybe in a month or two, I’ll have something I feel like showing.

Thanks for your patience,

Signed, The Pixie.

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